Mary'd(Silent Hill 2 Parody)
by DiamondGamer
Summary: A parodied novelization of Silent Hill.Rated M because cupcakes.(And alot of swearing)
1. Chapter 1

James stared at his reflection and grinned.

"Well, don't I look just sexy?"He told himself."If only this fucking mirror wasn't so bloody."He turns to you. Yes, you. The reader.

"I've got a letter."He tells you dramatically."The name on the envelope said.."He paused, and spoke even more dramatically."Mary."

He sighs."Oh, who is Mary? Silly me,I forgot to tell you. It's my dead wife."He smiled at you."Now, I shall read the letter to you."

He cleared his throat, and took out a piece of paper. He unfolded it and started reading:

_In my dreams, dear James,_

_I see that town,_

_Silent Haven, I suppose it was?_

_I forgot._

_Anyways, James, you promised we'd go there again._

_Since you are very forgetful, you did not do that._

_So I went there by myself._

_In our special place._

_And you better fucking come._

James folded it again and tucked it in his pocket, and then looked at you again.

"I'm going to go in Silent Hill. Not Silent Haven, there's no such town. Not sure where that **special place** is, but I haven't gotten laid in three years, so I'm going to find her.

He dramatically walked out, and mysterious music played.

"I should have read this to you now, not in that restroom, but meh. Shit happens."He shrugged, and walked over to his car.

"I left the door open. What?"He laughs at you."Of course I did it intentionally! It would be easier for me to enter the car."

He took a map from the backseat.

"Silent Hill"He mumbled to himself while walking down some stairs.

* * *

3 hours later, our hero was still walking.

"I really should start running."And so he did. Eventually, he reached a small graveyard.

"Should I be creeped out by this?With the fog and the graveyard and shit?"He asks you, but his attention span was low, so he laid his eyes on a strange brunette lady that nervously paced back and forth.

"Mary!"He yelled as he ran towards her.

"Mama!"She gasped, but after both of them looked at eachother's faces, they realized they really aren't.

"You're not Mary"James squinted his eyes. The lady ignored that.

"I'm looking for my mama. You sure looked like her."She told him.

"Anyways, Ma-um,I mean, weirdly attractive lady, I'm going to Silent Hill. Is this the right way?"

The woman seemed rather flattered by his comment.

"Uh, yeah, but..I don't recommend you going there."

"Not like I care, I only wanted to know if it's the right way. Bye, and hope you find your mommy."

He waved as he went back on the road.

"Damn, I should have banged her when I had the chance!"He swore to himself, forgetting that you're there. But you're just a reader. Sheesh.


	2. Chapter 2

"La-la...La-la.."James hummed to himself happily as he walked around in the totally unsuspicious town."I'm gonna get la-la-laid!"

He was incredibly happy about this. He turns to you, as if he's seeing you for the first time.

"Oh, hey~"At this moment, he noticed he stepped on some liquid, and looked down.

Blood.

Goddamn blood.

"Ew."As he lifted up his foot in disgust, he noticed a feminine creature walking nearby.

"Ooh, that ass!"He smirked, until he got a closer look on it."EW!It does not have any arms!"

Now the blood on his shoe wasn't the most disturbing thing. He followed the creature out of pure curiousity if he could still have sex with her even if she had no hands.

He found himself jumping over a wooden fence of some kind.

Due to his low attention span, he forgot about the creature and picked up a conveniently placed on the floor radio.

"What the fuck is wrong with this little shit?Broken?"He talked to no one in particular as the radio emmited static.

And then he remembered about the ugly creature, which attacked him at that moment.

"Shit!"He spat out."Well, thanks god I picked up this CHAINSAW!"He looked through his inventory."...Shit. I forgot to pick it up..."

Without thinking, he picked up a wooden plank out of the fence(?), and beat the shit out of this ugly thing.

"Yar' not gettin' laid tonight!"He spoke to the dead thing in a supposed pirate language which sounded alot worse and wasn't funny at all.

"Holy shit! I'm a hero! I'm going to beat the shit out of monsters, and save the princess, just like a Mario game! Wait...did you get to kill monsters in a Mario game? Oh well, yay!"

Don't look at me. I'm just a narrator. I'm not supposed to know anything about this.

"La-la...La-la..."He started singing even louder as he walked away, happily. He looked at his radio, then tried to turn it on.

"Ja-...Fu-...you...Why'd...-ll...me..." Some woman was speaking through the radio. He thought it could be Mary, but he wasn't sure.

That bitch always talked and he tried his best not to listen.

"Excuse me-"Some random guy appeared infront of him, startling him. He had short, brown hair and an outfit acceptable in the 90's.

"Have you seen a little girl? Short, black hair? Seven years old?"The guy spoke."Name's Harry Mason, by the way."

"Hi Harry!"James replied cheerfully."Um, I think there was this girl. Black hair...was looking for her mom?"

"Where?Where'd you see her?!"Harry replied rapidly.

"At the graveyard."

"Thank you so much!"Harry ran with the speed of light. James smiled at him.

"Now that I think of it, he's kinda hot."He thought."Good thing I was never straight anyways!"

He soon encountered more of those disgusting monsters that at first seemed to attract him.

"Bonus points!"He laughed as he took the life out of those things, having one spit him in the face with acid.

Another guy, younger than him, again with short brown hair, approached him.

"Um..Hi. Have you seen a woman?Middle-lengt brown hair?Name's Eileen.."

"Yeah! She was looking for her mommy."

"Shit!"The guy yelled out loud."Possesed already!?Where did you last see her?!"

"At the graveyard. Some other guy was looking for her too!"

As soon as James had said his last sentence, the mysterious person was already off too, even faster than that Harry guy.

"If only he introduced himself..I'd do him anytime!"James realized he might not need Mary.

And then, a third guy came by running. Long, dirty blond hair, and covered in blood.

"Hi, seen a guy with brown hair around here?"

"Two, actually?"James was very confused."The last one went to the graveyard. Everybody's been looking for someone lately..."

"Thanks."The blond guy smiled sinisterly."You're hot, by the way."

"Thanks, wanna make out?"James jumped with joy.

"Later.I'm busy."And he was off too."

James was very content with himself.

"I helped alot of people today!"He spoke like a little child while walking around aimlessly, looking for no one in particular.


	3. Chapter 3

"HEY!Where the fuck did you go!?Narrator!"James yelled as I drank some tea. I sighed and turned around.I'm here, but you were so busy telling people to go bother the poor girl, I didn't want to interrupt you.

He snorted.

"Come on now, I want to get laid already!"He stomped like an angry boy.

Fine, fine. Let's fucking go already.

James had retrieved a key by shamelessly checking a corpse. Shame on you!Do you not have any respect for the dead?

"No."He shrugged happily.

After wandering around aimlessly like always and wasting time, he found a purpose for the key.

It unlocked a door to a building.

"Hmmm..Woodside apartments? Might as well use a bed from there!"He grinned as he went up the stairs.

He entered a room where he saw light for some reason. And his eyes widened at the sight of...

"MARY!"He hugged a headless mannequin that had Mary's clothes."I've been looking for you everywhere!"

James.

He finally took a look at the figure and frowned.

"Oh, come on!"He groaned and finally noticed the flashlight behind it.

As soon as he picked it up, something rose up.

Legs.

Just a body with...legs.

"GOD, you're ugly."James snorted and started hitting it with the only weapon he had - the plank.

Because he was stupid enough to forget to pick up a chainsaw.

"There we go!"He smiled as he left the room and went up and up the stairs.

He noticed that the last floor was seperated in two parts by bars.

He noticed some conveniently placed keys on the other side, and tried to get them.

His hand was too short.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ahem.

But just as he was almost reaching them, a girl stomped on his foot.

"OUCH!FUCK YOU!"He took a plank and started hitting the girl through the bars. She squeaked and left.

"Like a boss!"But he still couldn't reach the keys.

Moron.

He shrugged and went on with the exploring, finding a gun in the process.

Soon enough, he found himself in a room with strange creatures.

He hid in the closet because he was curious and didn't want to interrupt what they were doing.

He noticed a konus scope headed thing that was fucking the, ahem, legs.

"Ooh!Porn!"He grinned and kept watching."This can't get any better!"

He watched excitedly as the narrator facepalmed so hard her unborn grandchildren felt it.

Apparently, the konus scope head noticed James' presence, and walked towards the closet. James carefully opened it and smiled at the creature!

"Oh, don't mind me, keep going!I'll just leave.."

The konus scope head nodded and went back to his activities.

James left the room.


	4. Meanwhile

After konus scope head was done with his weird activities, he sat down and, like every normal konus scope head, listened to some music.

"HEY!"Someone yelled, bursting in the room he was in."The fuck do you think you're doing?"

It was Memory of Alanna.

The strange creature shrugged.

"Taking a break."

"The fuck? You're taking a break?What about Jamesy-Sunderland, hmm?"

"He didn't come."

"HOW COME HE DID NOT FUCKING COME? IT WAS SCHEDULED!"

Konus scope head stood up and looked around.

"He just didn't. There was this guy, though. He was nice. I don't know why he was hiding in the closet, but he came out and just left. He could not be Sunderland."

"What did he look like?"

"Hmm...Blonde...green jacket and-"

Memory of Alanna was getting furious, and hit the other creature with as much power as she could.

"YOU FUCKER, THAT WAS FUCKING JAMES FUCKING SUNDERLAND, AND YOU FUCKING MISSED HIM. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?"

" SHIT!"They both turned to face a Konami employee, a short boy in his twenties."YOU!Fix that right now!"

"No. This is going to be interesting."He chuckled and dissapeared in thin air, like every normal Konami employee after recieving a complaint. After that, they turned to face me, the narrator.

"Why are you even narrating this, you fucking bitch?"Alanna yelled at me."This wasn't supposed to happen!WHY?!"

Because I'm awesome.

And, mind you, I'm writing this story.

Now go back to your fucking game.

"FINE!"She stomped and dissapeared as if she was never there.

Konus Scope then stared at the reader.

"Guess I screwed things up. Oh well. I'm going to have some beer. Please stop observing me."

Lazy son of a bitch.

_

"CHERYL!"

"EILEEN!"

"21ST SACRAMENT!"

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE?!"

The brunette stared bemusedly at the people that were running towards her.

They also seemed surprised.

"But..that guy...he said...where's..."Henry panted, staring at the woman who certainly wasn't the one he was looking for.

"Well, at least he gave ME the right direction."Walter smiled."Come on now, sacrament~Time to die~"

"You're not Cheryl."Harry said."Where is Cheryl?"

"How the hell should I know?!"Everybody turned to face him with those words. He sighed.

"Well, fuck you all, unhelpful little- I mean, bye."He was never seen again.


End file.
